10/17/2002 -- I had my 24 week appointment on the 15th.  Boring appt.  I gained a whole 1/2 pound.  Hahaha!  I think that makes my grand total like 1.5.  Honestly, the way I eat nowadays, it should be at least 10 pounds just in the past month.  I'll have to take that glucose test next month.  I don't wanna :(  Gross!  She also gave me the hospital stuff (well, actually they gave it to me at the last appt. but I lost it).

Today is also Jamie's 2nd birthday.  Can he really be 2?  Is it possible?  It's also driving home to me that I'm going to have to give BIRTH to this child.  After last time, I'm thinking maybe I don't want to do this after all (think I have a choice in the matter at this point?  Yeah, me neither).  It's 2002, surely they have come up with a way to beam the kids out of you, right?  RIGHT?  Sigh.  I know, I just have to suck it up and make sure Tom stands up for me in the delivery room (we all know I'm useless in there, I just "go away" into my own thoughts).  Here's hoping things work out and I'm able to get that DOULA I want.

I'm doing okay.  Tired, but that's mostly from running around so much this week.  I'm completely scatter-brained, can't remember the simplest things.  Cry because I forget stuff (like dishwasher tablets apparently).  The heartburn is back (bleh!).  But really, this pregnancy hasn't been that hard on me, just annoying stuff really.  She is moving A LOT.  We still don't have a name for her.  So for now her birth certificate will say Nameless Beauchamp.  LOL!  Tom seems to be avoiding it every time I ask.  He said he liked Stephanie, but I dunno if I like it not since I found out there was an actress named Stephanie Beechum on The Colby's (I dunno, apparently a Dallas spinoff) and I can't seem to let that go.  Whatever, she'll get a name eventually.  :)

As I said, it's Jamie's birthday today, so I have to go finish up the cupcakes; we are having a small celebration tonight then his party on Sunday.

10/04/2002 -- We had our make up ultrasound today.  I ended up writing a letter to the office about the way things were handled and they offered another one at no cost.  This time things went a LOT better.  The tech was wonderful and the doctor was too!  They explained EVERYTHING they were doing and told us what we were looking at.  They checked the baby out really good.  Heart, spine, stomach, brain, head, belly, feet, hands, etc.  Everything looks just perfect.  The baby was laying with one foot up by the head, so they will be a contortionist!  LOL!  Very excited.

Did I mention that SHE is just perfect?

We are all so excited that we are having a girl, how wonderful for Jamie to have a little sister, Tom to have a Daddy's Little Girl and me... well, I get to have a daughter, how beautiful and wonderful is that!  Anyway I have an appointment on 10/15 (I think) so we'll see how things are going there... I'll probably have to take the glucose test soon (bleh!)

09/17/2002 -- Gosh, what a day this has turned out to be.  We had the ultrasound appointment today, they saw most of the parts of the baby they needed to see, but didn't get a good shot of the heart or lungs or other things (which is nothing to worry about in and of itself).  They couldn't tell the gender (Tom thinks he's now an ultrasound technician and that it's a girl... we'll see) which I expected.  BUT the tech waits until she's looking at the baby's spine in detail mode and asks me if I had the TAST/AFP test.  I said yes, then she went on explaining the spine.  I asked if there was a problem, she said no.  Anyway, she went to get the doctor and he came in, couldn't tell the gender and then said everything looked fine.  I was still kind of frozen from the lady asking about the TAST test.  Either she had very bad timing or was insane.  Anyway, once I got home and thought about it more, I was getting more upset, so I called the doctor's office.  They waited to call me back until they had the ultrasound results in hand and said that everything is checked off as normal (including the spine) except those things they couldn't see.  I'm SO upset right now with the way that technician handled that situation.  I mean, you don't ask someone about testing while you are looking at the spine, I was totally freaked out.  Yes, it probably doesn't help that I'm high on hormones right now, but gosh.  For over 4 hours I was really worried about it.  Maybe I've read too many books or something... even Tom was starting to worry about it - it's funny how the longer things sit in your mind, the more you worry about them.

We got a GREAT picture of the baby's foot and of what Tom says is the face (hahaha, I had a hard time seeing it until they pointed it out).  I would upload it, but my scanner is acting funny (everyone email Tom at satyrdae@hotmail.com and tell him to fix it).  The baby weighs 10 oz, has a normal belly, normal bones, normal brain, normal brain activity, normal head size, and the due date of 2/5 is dead on.  So everything appears to be okay.

ANYWAY.  I will talk to my doctor on Thursday about another ultrasound to check things out that they missed and also to ease my mind some more.  I am feeling a lot better now that I know at least things appear to be normal, but I can bet you I will not go back to that tech's office again.  Whew!  Anyway, I'll post after my appointment.

09/14/2002 -- Pregnancy hormones running rampant tonight, so you get to read my drivel.  This pregnancy is still pretty boring and I'm VERY happy about that!  We have the 20 week ultrasound on 9/17, so hopefully they will be able to tell us the gender, we would really like to know so we can start the war of the names again ;)  I'm feeling fine, have a little more energy, at least enough so that the house doesn't look like a total pigsty - it was looking pretty bad there for a while with me being so tired all the time and Tom working night and day.

I've been spending a lot of time worrying about Jamie and how all this is going to affect him.  Oh, I know everything will be okay in the end, but I'm allowed to lose a little sleep over it.  I think if anyone tells you they didn't, they are probably big fat liars.  I'm also concerned about what to do with him while we are at the hospital.  He gets so upset so easily when Tom and I both leave him with anyone except my mother in law, and I'm pretty sure she is going to want to be there for the birth of this one.  I have another 4/5 months to figure it out, but it's something that's started to bug me lately, I just hate the though of me walking out that door and being away from him for 2 or 3 nights and him crying.  I don't think I could do it.  I don't want his life to be disrupted any more than it has to be, so we will have to find someone that can come here to him, probably Tom's sister or something.  If we ask him if he wants a baby he'll say yes most of the time then go grab his doll!  Hahahaha!  He will walk up to me and up my shirt saying "belly" and pat it saying "baby"... no he has absolutely NO clue, but it's still cute, he's just a trained seal is all :)

Also feeling that hormonal stuff about next year.  I can't believe it.  Jamie turns 2 next month, this baby is due 2/5/03 and Tom and I will celebrate TEN years of marriage on 3/3/03.  TEN years.  That's a decade... that's over 1/3 of my life!  It's such a special anniversary to me.  Tom and I have come so far in our life together.  When we got married we didn't have much of anything, we got married moved to Hawaii less than a week later.  We had some pretty lean first couple of years, like I said, we had nothing except some dishes and a bedroom set that my great grandmother had given me as an infant!  10 years later we will have 2 beautiful children, a house, 2 cars, he will hopefully be prospering in his new business and we will have the debt to prove all of it :)  I just think we have come so far.  Goodness knows we've had bad times when I think we both wondered if we were crazy, but all that matters in the end is that we do love each other and just as important, respect each other.  Everyone said we wouldn't make it this far, I think the highest bet was probably 3 years, but we have proved them wrong and I like to think we have many many many more decades to go.  I have high school friends that got married, had 2 kids, got divorced and have remarried, some are probably even working on their 2nd divorce.  In this day and age, for a couple to stay married after getting married so young, is as close to a miracle as you can get.

Anyway, March is such a special month to me next year.  It kind of marks the biggest changes in my life.  Not only the marriage, but the fact that I will be a mommy to two kids!  I never thought I would have children, never thought I would be a good enough mother (insert long rambling post about horrible childhood, horrible father, blah blah blah).  Oh, I'm not perfect, I make my mistakes, but you know what?  I don't think Jamie even notices; and if he does, he forgives me.  I love the special little laugh he saves just for me and I only hope he still uses it in 5 months or so :)

My mother is still reeling.  She says she's not old enough to have had a son-in-law for 10 years, much less 2 grandkids and 2 more on the way (my sister is due in November).  But she's also very very happy.  My mom loves kids and Jamie just adores her.  He loves to call her on the phone and talk to her because she cuts up with him, making him laugh.  My sister and I tell her it's because they are around the same age, mentally ;)  ~~Love ya, Mom!

See.. I warned you it was all drivel... night and I'll post about my ultrasound on 9/17... I also have my appointment on 9/19.

08/22/2002 -- Today I have an appointment, I'll update to this when I get back, so check back tonight sometime.  Should be a boring one, thank goodness.  I need something boring in my life right now.  I took a belly picture (ugh, but a few people had actually asked for one), it's in the August photo album.  I can't believe how much sooner I'm showing with this one.  To most people it just looks like I've gained weight, but not to me ;)  I'm feeling more and more movements as time goes by.  That coupled with not wanting to keep paying for it, we are returning the doppler rental.  It's a FABULOUS thing to have!  I will miss it, but like I said, the movements are there now :)

It looks like the insurance stuff will work out.  We are still going to have to pay a large chunk of it, not sure how, but we have to do what we have to do at this point.  Like I said before, just very bad timing overall.  I'm trying not to let myself get all stressed about it.  There's nothing I can do.

Jamie still doesn't really understand what's going on.  I doubt he will until the baby comes and he realizes that it's staying... hahaha!  I've been having mommy guilt that he's being bumped out of the baby of the house seat, you know, the "he'll hate me and the baby and I'm a terrible mother" syndrome.  Ugh.  I know none of that is true and things will be fine, but it's just one of those things in the back of my head.  He'll lift my shirt and say "belly" and "baby", but I don't think he REALLY understands what he's in for ;)

Okay, I'll update tonight again!..... Okay, back... boring appointment, as I hoped :)  Heard the heartbeat... I have to schedule "the" ultrasound, hopefully within the next 2 or 3 weeks and I have to go to the lab tomorrow (they closed before I could get there today) to get the AFP test done.  I go back on 9/19.

08/20/2002 -- I'm so tired all the time.  It  had gotten better for a week, but oh boy, I just don't even feel like moving right now.  I don't remember being THIS tired with Jamie.  It's really sapping my energy.  I hope it gets better soon, the house is a total mess right now.  I can't seem to find the energy to do anything about it.  I did manage to mop the floor over the weekend.  Whoppty-Do.  I even offered to go drive to SC and let my mom live with us if she'd help clean my house... Hahaha!  I just can't keep up right now.  Tom's so busy with his business stuff that he doesn't help much, heck he's never here.  I feel bad for him, a lot is on his shoulders right now.

We haven't gotten the heartbeat really strong on the doppler since that first time.  We think s/he is hiding behind the placenta because the few times we have heard it since then it's been behind the placenta sounds.

I am so happy to be pregnant, but it seems so unfair.  We tried for ten months to get pregnant with this baby, we stop trying knowing that there are going to be insurance issues and bam, we get pregnant.  Oh, the irony!  Warning:  whine-fest ahead....

Insurance is a rough issue right now.  We had built enough into the business so that it could cover some of the cost of the employee's insurance, but we are cutting costs, so that is gone.  We found out we can get COBRA for at least $750 a month - holy crap!  That's more than my house mortgage payment before escrow!  We could also get group insurance through the company, but that would be around $800 we'd have to pay ourselves too.  I could look for full time employment, but that wouldn't kick in for 90 days at least, by then I'll be showing obviously so I'd have to tell my employer up front what is going on, plus what about those 3 months, and who is going to hire someone knowing they are going to need at LEAST two to four weeks off in 5 months?  Another option we are looking at is a midwife, which is what I wanted to start with, it would run around $3000 out of pocket to pay them.  The problem with that is that (other than the "what ifs" of complications) then we are still uninsured.  We could get individual health insurance that is a little cheaper (about $500 for us), but they won't write the policy while I'm pregnant, which means that my son and my family goes without health insurance, and there's no way I'm risking my family's health.  Plus individual coverage usually has a huge deductible and doesn't cover things like vaccinations and of course maternity, so for a family with kids, it's insanely expensive, so you may as well shell out the $800 for group!  We don't qualify income wise for Medicaid or CHiP here in Texas.  I'm just talking this out, Tom and I are just thinking on it for a week and then we are going to have to decide what to do.  The only option I see now is for Tom to continue working where he is, but he doesn't want to do that, and really, he can't do that.  I might also see if my boss can get me on the insurance there or increase my hours (ha! they just reduced them to 16 a week) so I can be eligible for insurance.  I just feel like crying over this.  My family simply can't be without insurance.  It's not fair.  It always comes down to the dollars.  If we were richer, it wouldn't be a problem... if we were poor, it wouldn't be a problem.  Ugh!  You can't win.  Of course, my hormones are on overdrive, which doesn't help.

I am so stressed over this whole issue.  We cannot afford any of these options, unless my employer will let me get insurance through them.  I was so stressed out last night I ended up staying awake until 1am with braxton hicks contractions... they were pretty bad there at one point, I almost woke up Tom.  Ugh.  It just completely stinks.  What am I supposed to do?  Let me family go without insurance and give birth in the bathtub at home alone?  There seems to be no way for us to pay for any of this right now.  Tom hasn't been getting paid commissions at work all year, and my hours have been cut.  Ends just aren't meeting right now and it's scary.  I just hope his new store takes off and we are able to live comfortably, I don't dare wish for more, just able to live a comfortable life with none of this other stuff constantly hanging over our head.  Ugh.

Okay, before I work myself up, I'm outta here.... hopefully my next entry won't be such a downer.

08/09/2002 -- Oohhh!!  What an exciting first entry into my 2nd trimester journal!!  Tom and I found the heartbeat on the home doppler we are renting!!  How exciting!  We could hear the heartbeat and the placenta.  I'm now on cloud nine knowing that everything is okay in there and getting that reassurance when I need it is even better.  And YES, I will be taping it for my mom and putting it online... as soon as I can find my cassette recorder... Yay!!!!